How to make the summer Olympics more efficient/entertaining:

 

Put contestants from Canoe Slalom, Rowing, Sailing, Swimming, and Water Polo into a large pond or small lake. Put contestants from Shooting on horseback with the Equestrian contestants; the Equestrian athletes will navigate the horses while the shooters try to kill anything moving in the pond/lake. Meanwhile, the Archery contestants will ride on the backs of the Cycling contestants bicycles; the cyclists will drive into the horse traffic and the archers will try to bring down the shooters with their arrows (the shooters can retaliate). In a nearby field, the contestants from Badminton, Fencing, Hockey, Tennis, and Table Tennis will all fight each other in an event known as "every man for himself" using the implements from their respective sports. The Volleyball contestants will be given clubs and the Beach Volleyball contestants will be given knives; they will each be told that the other team threatened to kill them, then they will battle. Judo vs. Boxing is self-explanatory. The Basketball players will be responsible for digging mass graves, the handball players will bury the remaining athletes, and the gymnasts will entertain the mourners by jumping over corpses.

 Why does the word "cattle" refer to many cows, and not many cats?

 

This thought came about because I saw a drawing of a cat's head on a snake's body and I thought "cattlesnake". Then it occurred to me that cattlesnake could be a feline/serpent hybrid, or a multibovine/serpent combination.

 Many people are summoned for jury duty, but many of those called to serve don't like to perform it. Here's a helpful hint for being dismissed early. It's all about the dress code. Wearing this outfit, you will never have to listen to a boring trial: one roller skate, one swim flipper, a frilly ballerina tutu, imitation "world champion" wresting belt like Hulk Hogan would wear, a T-shirt that says "Daddy's little princess" (for a man) or "Mustache rides: 5 cents" (for a woman), a swastika armband, X-ray specs, 4 wrist watches, fingerless gloves, and a lady's hat with a small bouquet of flowers and stuffed squirrel in it, an eye patch, a breath-right strip that bears the logo of a sports team, and one pint of perfume. It has been 21 years since my last summons for jury duty. Thanks outfit, you're the best!

 I've heard that chickens will eat anything. I would like to feed them scrambled eggs. That would be like recycling, but funnier.

 

I had a next-door neighbor for a few years. He was a nice enough, although rough-around-the-edges, person. He managed to sell his house while the housing market was still on the upward spiral. The purchaser of this house is a Vietnamese man whom I met once or twice when he and his associates were preparing the house for rental. Currently, the owner of this house is on his third family. The second family was odd.

When they moved in, there were 7 baby strollers, 2 bicycles, and a sofa in the front lawn at the end of the move-in day. About two days later the sofa disappeared, and a recliner appeared in its place. 4 of the strollers were replaced by 2 vacuum cleaners and the bicycles had been replaced with a birdbath. Several weeks, appliances, and large pieces of furniture later, the front yard was fairly uncluttered. Usually there would just be a lamp or nightstand or scooter in the lawn from that time on. Until September.

 

Labor Day weekend marks the end of summer. People like to have cookouts, drink beer, and sometimes decorate for Halloween. These people spent the 3-day weekend decking their front yard out in Halloween decorations. There were ghosts, zombies crawling out of graves, Dr. Frankenstein's cavalcade of monsters, headless horsemen (the horse was also headless... total chaos [joke courtesy of M. Hedberg]), jack-o-lanterns, skeletons, bales of hay, corpses, headstones, and a witch. And there was straw covering up all the grass to give a realistic "straw-covered lawn" effect to the display. At night I realized that it also had strobe lights and sound effects. Luckily, it was only 60 days until Halloween.

 

So, Halloween came and went, but the decorations did not. Finally it was Thanksgiving weekend, and the neighbors put up their Santa Claus and reindeer display, their snowman, and the nativity scene. It was a much smaller and less flamboyant holiday display than the Halloween display. The problem was it was really hard to notice the Christmas items amongst all the Halloween items. It looked like Santa Claus was navigating his sleigh through Hell. "On Dasher, On Dancer, don't hit the zombie!" The nativity scene showed the baby Jesus surrounded by Mary and Joseph, a vampire, three wise men, two donkeys, a zombie, a camel, and the angel Gabriel announcing the birth of Jesus while suspended from a noose.

 

A few weeks later Halloween began to subside. By New Years Eve it was just Santa urging his team of reindeer across the straw toward the ghost, and a much smaller Nativity group (one of the Wise Men disappeared with the Halloween stuff. I think he was killed).

 

A few weeks after that police showed up at my house. The detective asked if the whereabouts of the neighbor (the man that lived there) were known, and offered his card when they weren't. I walked over later that night and noticed all the furniture and curtains that could previously seen through the windows were gone. They scrammed before the police caught on to whatever they did. All that was left was a bale of hay, 4 reindeer, a ghost, and a zombie's arm. Those things disappeared after another 3 weeks. Except for the hay. That is still in the front yard to this very day.

 One day, I would like to visit some country that wants their own particle accelerator like the one at CERN in Switzerland. I would offer to build one for much less money. 2 years and 100 million dollars later, I would announce completion of the machine. It would mostly just be fiber optic cables and some LEDs and maybe a laser. I'd proudly show it off to the leader of that country and his Minister of Science and announce "With this machine, you can now accelerate photons up to near the speed of light." Maybe they will applaud. If they mention wanting to do the same thing with protons, I'll tell them they have to purchase the upgrade package for that.

 

It's now November, which means it's time to prepare your vehicle for winter. Apart from the things you should do every month, like rebuild the engine and replace all windows and doors, there are these additional steps you should perform each winter to keep your car running at its best:

- Alternator fluid flush and fill

- clean and replace windshield wiper belts

- rotate blinker bearings

- resurface muffler gaskets

- lubricate brake pads and rotors

Happy motoring!

 

Posted in another page I follow:

 

"The last year has been hard for both the [club #1] and [club #2] families losing [deceased #1], [deceased #2] and today I found out that we have also lost a friend and brother [deceased #3]. On May 12, 2015 he was in a motorcycle accident, and died of completions in the hospital. My deepest condolence to his wife and children. He will be deeply missed."

 

Sometimes sad news makes me snort. I pictured quarterbacks in the ER throwing balls at him, and him catching every single one until he expired.

 

I just realized, I didn't finish up my "Guide to Drivers of the Mid-Atlantic Region". So, without further delay, here is the final part:

 

9. Maryland - In Maryland, we are all about our space. Have you made the mistake of using a turn signal? That means you're ABOUT TO GET IN MY SPACE!! I MUST PREVENT THAT!! Or perhaps you are in the on-ramp to a highway, preparing to merge into traffic. That means everyone must do the "tailgate conga line" to make sure you DON'T GET IN MY SPACE!! As an added bonus, if you're in downtown Baltimore, prepare to see people "block the box" because even though the only way to advance when the light is green and traffic is heavy is to clog up the intersection, it's OK because that area IS GOING TO BE MY SPACE!!

 

It's time for "Guide to Drivers of the Mid-Atlantic Region" part 2, the long-anticipated sequel.

 

6. Massachusetts - Wow. Just wow. I've heard the nicknames, like "Massholes" and "Massachouchebags", and when I see drivers with good ol' MA tags I understand why these monikers exist. They will tailgate marked police cars in pursuit of other speeders. They will pass you in the shoulder. They will create an imaginary third lane in a two-lane road, generally between the other two lanes. 

 

7. Rhode Island - For reasons I don't understand, the gravest offense I've seen from a Rhode Islander is driving 3 miles under the speed limit while towing a homemade trailer full of firewood, sports equipment, and second-hand furniture. Not bad in the short term, but somehow a potential disaster just waiting to manifest itself.

 

8. West Virginia - somehow unaffected by MADD (Mid-Atlantic Driving Disease). Maybe it's the altitude.

That's all for now... Part 3 will wrap up the series. Eventually.

 

So, I haven't written much lately. I am now going to embark on my first part of my "Guide to Drivers of the Mid-Atlantic Region". Mid-Atlantic drivers are pretty bad, and this guide is merely a reference to behaviors one is more likely to observe based upon the state that issued the license plate. It is neither all-encompassing nor is it intended to apply stereotypes to any group of people. I've just noticed that if the license plates say they are from a particular state, a certain behavior when driving is more likely to be exhibited. Since I live in Maryland, I shall begin with my neighboring states:

 

1. Pennsylvania - these drivers do not like to do less than 75 miles per hour in a 55 mph zone when outside of their home state. Once you cross that border on 83 into PA, expect their speed to plummet to 48 mph.

 

2. Virginia - we can call Virginians the "Anti-Pennsylvanians". Expect them to drive slowly when out of state, then create their very own sonic booms when in their home state.

 

3. Delaware - these drivers love to pass people, then change lanes to get in front of the recent passees. At that point the speed drops to just below the speed limit. Pass them, and watch the process repeat.

 

4. New Jersey - the NJ turnpike is one of the most boring places to drive, and it seems to go on forever. As such, NJ drivers conduct themselves as if they're forever trying to get off the turnpike. Zig-zagging, weaving, cutting people off, all at speeds of around 90 mph. They hate being on the road, and want to be at their destination NOW.

 

5. North Carolina - Not bad, just taking their time. They like to explore new things, such as the "fast lane". They will not drive faster when then change lanes into it, as they feel the best way to appreciate the fast lane is at a nice leisurely pace (bet on 45 in a 55 mph zone). Also, they seem to feel that the safest place to be is in someone's blind spot (aka "diagonal following pattern").

 

Part 2 coming soon...