As a linguophile, I frequently find myself pondering the workings of various languages. Sometimes my thoughts are grammatical in nature, sometimes etymological, and sometimes it's a random exploration of whatever accidental synaptic firings happen at that moment.
A few days ago I found myself remembering a childhood incident in which my friend Mike had come to my house bearing some object, and he exclaimed "Look what I brang!" My mother looked at Mike and said "Brang?" Mike 'corrected' himself: "Oh sorry. Look what I brung!" My mother rolled her eyes and said "It's 'brought', not brang or brung." Mike said "OK, whatever" and we went about playing.
The word "brought" is a doorway to English-language hell. Brought is the past tense of the verb "to bring". That sounds like a rule: verbs that end in "...ing" get changed to "...ought" to form a past tense. So now we can safely assume that "bought" is the past tense of the verb "to bing." Oh no... that's not right, it's the past tense of "to buy." Hmmm.... Well, the word "sought" should be the past tense of "to sing", but that's not right either. It's the past tense of "to seek". I fought with this oddity for a while (past tense of "to fing"? Nah. "to fight") I thought about it, which does not mean at present I thing about it. I think about it though, maybe too much.
Apart from the plethora of irregular verbs that all end the same way, what about the letter combination o-u-g-h found in the word "brought". How is that pronounced? Rather, how many ways is that pronounced? Let's see, there is the "aw" pronunciation like in all those past-tense verbs (1). There is the "oh" pronunciation like in "though" as found in the final sentence of the previous paragraph (2). There is the "oo" pronunciation as in "through" (3). There is also the "ow" pronunciation as in "drought" (4). Four different ways to pronounce this o-u-g-h combo shouldn't present too much of a challenge for speakers of other languages when they try to learn English. To hell with those foreigners! Let's make more variations! How about pronouncing it like "uff" in the word "tough" (5). And what about "off" as in the word "cough" (6). Now we're getting somewhere.
The value in such mental exercises as thinking about the above peculiarities of the English language is that it keeps me from going insane when I hear people say "Me and Tim are going to lunch now" or "Myself and Jim will provide an update later today" or "Please send an email to Mike and I" (all of which are the grammatical equivalents of nails on a chalkboard or a head-shaving performed with a cheese-grater).
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Number 14
I have had this blog going for almost three years, and it now has 14 posts. One of those 14 posts is this one, telling everyone how many posts are here. Luckily, I think I'm the only one that reads it. It's like I'm able to sit back and listen to my memories and ideas being narrated by a different me. My new pinnacle of laziness is this: to just read about what I've thought or experienced so I don't have to keep remembering all the time. Now if I can just get someone to read it to me.
Decorations
I had a next-door neighbor for a few years. He was a nice enough, although rough-around-the-edges, person. He managed to sell his house while the housing market was still on the upward spiral. The purchaser of this house is a Vietnamese man whom I met once or twice when he and his associates were preparing the house for rental. Currently, the owner of this house is on his third family. The second family was odd.
When they moved in, there were 7 baby strollers, 2 bicycles, and a sofa in the front lawn at the end of the move-in day. About two days later the sofa disappeared, and a recliner appeared in its place. 4 of the strollers were replaced by 2 vacuum cleaners and the bicycles had been replaced with a birdbath. Several weeks, appliances, and large pieces of furniture later, the front yard was fairly uncluttered. Usually there would just be a lamp or nightstand or scooter in the lawn from that time on. Until September.
Labor Day weekend marks the end of summer. People like to have cookouts, drink beer, and sometimes decorate for Halloween. These people spent the 3-day weekend decking their front yard out in Halloween decorations. <-- (Note: the word "decorations" here is also the title of this post. That's how people come up with some titles. Pick a random word from the text.) There were ghosts, zombies crawling out of graves, Dr. Frankenstein's cavalcade of monsters, headless horsemen (the horse was also headless... total chaos [joke courtesy of M. Hedberg]), jack-o-lanterns, skeletons, bales of hay, corpses, headstones, and a witch. And there was straw covering up all the grass to give a realistic "straw-covered lawn" effect to the display. At night I realized that it also had strobe lights and sound effects. Luckily, it was only 60 days until Halloween.
So, Halloween came and went, but the decorations <-- (I did it again!) did not. Finally it was Thanksgiving weekend, and the neighbors put up their Santa Claus and reindeer display, their snowman, and the nativity scene. It was a much smaller and less flamboyant holiday display than the Halloween display. The problem was it was really hard to notice the Christmas items amongst all the Halloween items. It looked like Santa Claus was navigating his sleigh through Hell. "On Dasher, On Dancer, don't hit the zombie!" The nativity scene showed the baby Jesus surrounded by Mary and Joseph, a vampire, three wise men, two donkeys, a zombie, a camel, and the angel Gabriel announcing the birth of Jesus while suspended from a noose.
A few weeks later Halloween began to subside. By New Years Eve it was just Santa urging his team of reindeer across the straw toward the ghost, and a much smaller Nativity group (one of the Wise Men disappeared with the Halloween stuff; we think he was killed).
A few weeks after that police showed up at my house. The detective asked if the whereabouts of the neighbor (the man that lived there) were known, and offered his card when they weren't. I walked over later that night and noticed all the furniture and curtains that could previously seen through the windows were gone. They scrammed before the police caught on to whatever they did. All that was left was a bale of hay, 4 reindeer, a ghost, and a zombie's arm. Those things disappeared after another 3 weeks. Except for the hay. That is still in the front yard to this very day.
When they moved in, there were 7 baby strollers, 2 bicycles, and a sofa in the front lawn at the end of the move-in day. About two days later the sofa disappeared, and a recliner appeared in its place. 4 of the strollers were replaced by 2 vacuum cleaners and the bicycles had been replaced with a birdbath. Several weeks, appliances, and large pieces of furniture later, the front yard was fairly uncluttered. Usually there would just be a lamp or nightstand or scooter in the lawn from that time on. Until September.
Labor Day weekend marks the end of summer. People like to have cookouts, drink beer, and sometimes decorate for Halloween. These people spent the 3-day weekend decking their front yard out in Halloween decorations. <-- (Note: the word "decorations" here is also the title of this post. That's how people come up with some titles. Pick a random word from the text.) There were ghosts, zombies crawling out of graves, Dr. Frankenstein's cavalcade of monsters, headless horsemen (the horse was also headless... total chaos [joke courtesy of M. Hedberg]), jack-o-lanterns, skeletons, bales of hay, corpses, headstones, and a witch. And there was straw covering up all the grass to give a realistic "straw-covered lawn" effect to the display. At night I realized that it also had strobe lights and sound effects. Luckily, it was only 60 days until Halloween.
So, Halloween came and went, but the decorations <-- (I did it again!) did not. Finally it was Thanksgiving weekend, and the neighbors put up their Santa Claus and reindeer display, their snowman, and the nativity scene. It was a much smaller and less flamboyant holiday display than the Halloween display. The problem was it was really hard to notice the Christmas items amongst all the Halloween items. It looked like Santa Claus was navigating his sleigh through Hell. "On Dasher, On Dancer, don't hit the zombie!" The nativity scene showed the baby Jesus surrounded by Mary and Joseph, a vampire, three wise men, two donkeys, a zombie, a camel, and the angel Gabriel announcing the birth of Jesus while suspended from a noose.
A few weeks later Halloween began to subside. By New Years Eve it was just Santa urging his team of reindeer across the straw toward the ghost, and a much smaller Nativity group (one of the Wise Men disappeared with the Halloween stuff; we think he was killed).
A few weeks after that police showed up at my house. The detective asked if the whereabouts of the neighbor (the man that lived there) were known, and offered his card when they weren't. I walked over later that night and noticed all the furniture and curtains that could previously seen through the windows were gone. They scrammed before the police caught on to whatever they did. All that was left was a bale of hay, 4 reindeer, a ghost, and a zombie's arm. Those things disappeared after another 3 weeks. Except for the hay. That is still in the front yard to this very day.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
one cup spinoffs
A few years ago there was a viral internet video known as "two girls, one cup". I found out about this from a co-worker, and his description made it seem like probably the worst thing anyone has produced in the past 5 years. Or so I thought....
There were actually two videos circulating that were worse.
1. Bea Arthur, Betty White, and those other two old women get wild and crazy while letting the dentures and colostomy bags fly in "Golden Girls, one cup". You'll want to stay away from the retirement home for a while.
2. Courtroom drama can bring out some negative emotions and excretions. From the producer of "Brokeback Mountain" and the makers of Metamucil comes "12 Angry Men, one cup". Trust me, you do NOT want the plea bargain.
There were actually two videos circulating that were worse.
1. Bea Arthur, Betty White, and those other two old women get wild and crazy while letting the dentures and colostomy bags fly in "Golden Girls, one cup". You'll want to stay away from the retirement home for a while.
2. Courtroom drama can bring out some negative emotions and excretions. From the producer of "Brokeback Mountain" and the makers of Metamucil comes "12 Angry Men, one cup". Trust me, you do NOT want the plea bargain.
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