Lo sentimos, no tenemos cafe

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I started reminiscing about some travels the other day. The travel memory that surfaced was my trip to Guatemala. In the summer of 2000 I had a 7-country work trip that took me through Guatemala, El Salvador, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Honduras, Panama, and the Dominican Republic. The first stop resulted in a memorable story.

I arrived in Guatemala in the evening, checked into my hotel and got my stuff ready for the next day's work. Part of this getting ready was scheduling my wake-up call (no alarm clocks in the hotel). I asked for a 6:30 wake-up call. I was awakened by my wake-up call the next morning, something like this (it was all in Spanish, but I've translated for the sake of the post):

Hotel guy:"Good morning Mr. Coleman, this is your 5:30 wake-up call."
Me: "I asked for a 6:30 wake-up call, not 5:30"
Hotel guy: "Ooops! You are right, I'm very sorry!" [hangs up]

I turned on the TV to find out the time (remember, no clocks) and it was 5:24 a.m. Crap. Now I have to try to fall asleep again to get that last precious hour of snoozetime.

I drift off quickly, then the wake-up call comes:

Hotel guy: "Good morning Mr. Coleman, this is your 5:30 wake-up call"
Me: "I asked for a 6:30 wake-up call, not 5:30. Didn't I just tell you that a few minutes ago?"
Hotel guy: "Oops! You are right. I forgot and I'm very sorry!" [hangs up]

I turned on the TV again and now it's 5:32. Crap. Now I'm too irritated to go back to sleep, so I opt to take a shower now and go hunt down some breakfast. The night before, the front-desk clerk told me that breakfast starts at 6:00 a.m. I might as well beat the crowd. After showering and getting dressed, I head downstairs promptly at 6:00 a.m. I made a beeline for the front desk and introduced myself.

Me: "Good morning, we have spoken a few times this morning. I am Mr. Coleman"
Hotel guy: "Oh, yes, do you still need your wake-up call?"
Me: "Yes, please. In the meantime I will be eating breakfast. Where is it served?"
Hotel guy: "Down the hall, turn left. It's in the dining room."

Great! I head down the hallway, turn left, and find a very large, very empty, and very dark dining room. A shout of "Hola! Buenos dias!" gets no reply, so I go back to the front desk.

Hotel guy: "Can I help you?"
Me: "Yes. Breakfast should be starting, but no one is in the dining room."
Hotel guy: "I will call the staff."

He calls, lets it ring about 20 times and announces "They must not be in yet. There is a Burger King three blocks away where you can get some breakfast." Since I was hungry, I decided to take a little morning walk to get breakfast. After two blocks, there was no BK visible on the horizon, but there WAS a Dunkin' Donuts across the street. Bingo! I can get donuts and coffee... or so I thought. The funny thing about Dunkin' Donuts there is that they had no actual donuts. They did have several breakfasty baked goods, so I opted for a pair of large cinnamon rolls. And a beverage.

Donut lady: "Do you want a drink with your rolls?"
Me: "Yes, I would like a large coffee please."
Donut lady: "We don't have coffee."
Me: "Do you mean you haven't made the coffee yet, or you are out of coffee."
Donut lady: "No, we don't have coffee."
[thanks for the clarification, donut-lady]
Me: "Umm... Dunkin' Donuts is famous for its coffee. Guatemala is a country famous for its coffee. How can I be in a Dunkin' Donuts in Guatemala and not get coffee?"
Donut lady: "We have orange juice."
[thanks for the further clarification, donut-lady]
Me: "Fine."

So I walk back to my hotel with my two cinnamon rolls and a cup of orange juice. Once I enter, Hotel-guy sees me and recognizes me and says "The kitchen staff is now here, you may go get breakfast." I held up my hands to show off my pseudodonutry and just ask "Can I just get coffee?" "Sure!" he replies. Awesome.

I go down to the dining room where a sleepy man in a second-hand tux (its first owner was a homeless painter with a penchant for wrestling pigs, from the looks of it) asked where I'd like to sit. To speed things up I just got to the point:

Me: "I'd just like coffee please"
Waiter guy: "We don't have coffee."
Me: [mumble grumble mumble] "Will you have coffee in the near future?"
Waiter guy: "Nope"

I wasn't even going to pry. I did my work that day, then went for a late lunch with a couple of people from our Guatemala office before leaving for El Salvador. After we finished eating lunch, the waiter came back to ask "Would you like any dessert or coffee?" Ah! He spoke the magic word. I piped up "I would love a cup of coffee." The waiter smiled and said "I'll be right back with your coffee." About 10 minutes later he finally returned with a forlorn expression "We are very sorry sir, we don't have any coffee." At least I was ready for the disappointment. And I had formulated a theory by then. "It's OK, I know you don't have coffee. I think you guys export 100% of the crop."

Stay tuned for the next installment of travel woes, when I continue with "Meals in Honduras".

Enlargements

Every day that I get emails, and that is pretty much all of them, I receive some emails about penis enlargement. I don't know why so many people know about or care about the size of my penis, but evidently word is out on the street. Why would I even want to enlarge my penis? My hand isn't getting any bigger. The way I see it, these products that are being peddled to enlarge penises either work or they don't. If they don't, then anyone spending money on the product would be wasting time and money. If they do, then other problems open up: more money spent on lotion, more money spent on paper towels, and maybe more money spent on larger pants. Sometimes I also see breast enlargement emails: "Enlarge your breasts by two cup sizes in 4 weeks!". Now that's something worth considering. Although if I had breasts, I'd never leave the house. So if in just 3 more weeks I stop leaving the house, we will know that it worked. If that works, maybe I'll try the other enlargement products as well. Now I just need to wait for the hand enlargement emails.

MacGilligan

There were two shows I watched in my youth that offered a great possibility for transposition of characters. These shows were "Gilligan's Island" and "MacGyver".

Gilligan's Island had the professor, who could build all kinds of stuff out of raw materials on the island. "Hey Skipper, look! I fashioned a radio out of this coconut." "Hey Ginger, I made an X-ray machine out of some plankton and palm fronds." Yeah, all that stuff is great, but how useful is it? Why can't you use some "wood" and fix the hole in the boat?

Now, MacGyver on the other hand, was always Johnny-on-the-spot. He would have 20 minutes to prevent terrorists from using the stolen helicopter to blow up the White House, and he'd use some chewing gum, a paper clip, and a fingernail-full of earwax to build a bomb with a 19-minute timer. Problem solved.

If the Professor was in McGyver's position, the world would have ended about halfway through the first episode. "Professor, we need to stop the terrorists from blowing up the world!" And the Professor would use a lobster shell and some pebbles to make a toaster.

If McGyver was on Gilligans Island, that hole in the boat would have been fixed. Not immediately though, because first Ginger and Maryann would have gotten pregnant. Oh, and that pompous Mr. Howell would have accidentally stepped on a land mine made from chewing gum and paper clips.