How to make the summer Olympics more efficient/entertaining:

 

Put contestants from Canoe Slalom, Rowing, Sailing, Swimming, and Water Polo into a large pond or small lake. Put contestants from Shooting on horseback with the Equestrian contestants; the Equestrian athletes will navigate the horses while the shooters try to kill anything moving in the pond/lake. Meanwhile, the Archery contestants will ride on the backs of the Cycling contestants bicycles; the cyclists will drive into the horse traffic and the archers will try to bring down the shooters with their arrows (the shooters can retaliate). In a nearby field, the contestants from Badminton, Fencing, Hockey, Tennis, and Table Tennis will all fight each other in an event known as "every man for himself" using the implements from their respective sports. The Volleyball contestants will be given clubs and the Beach Volleyball contestants will be given knives; they will each be told that the other team threatened to kill them, then they will battle. Judo vs. Boxing is self-explanatory. The Basketball players will be responsible for digging mass graves, the handball players will bury the remaining athletes, and the gymnasts will entertain the mourners by jumping over corpses.

 Why does the word "cattle" refer to many cows, and not many cats?

 

This thought came about because I saw a drawing of a cat's head on a snake's body and I thought "cattlesnake". Then it occurred to me that cattlesnake could be a feline/serpent hybrid, or a multibovine/serpent combination.

 Many people are summoned for jury duty, but many of those called to serve don't like to perform it. Here's a helpful hint for being dismissed early. It's all about the dress code. Wearing this outfit, you will never have to listen to a boring trial: one roller skate, one swim flipper, a frilly ballerina tutu, imitation "world champion" wresting belt like Hulk Hogan would wear, a T-shirt that says "Daddy's little princess" (for a man) or "Mustache rides: 5 cents" (for a woman), a swastika armband, X-ray specs, 4 wrist watches, fingerless gloves, and a lady's hat with a small bouquet of flowers and stuffed squirrel in it, an eye patch, a breath-right strip that bears the logo of a sports team, and one pint of perfume. It has been 21 years since my last summons for jury duty. Thanks outfit, you're the best!

 I've heard that chickens will eat anything. I would like to feed them scrambled eggs. That would be like recycling, but funnier.

 

I had a next-door neighbor for a few years. He was a nice enough, although rough-around-the-edges, person. He managed to sell his house while the housing market was still on the upward spiral. The purchaser of this house is a Vietnamese man whom I met once or twice when he and his associates were preparing the house for rental. Currently, the owner of this house is on his third family. The second family was odd.

When they moved in, there were 7 baby strollers, 2 bicycles, and a sofa in the front lawn at the end of the move-in day. About two days later the sofa disappeared, and a recliner appeared in its place. 4 of the strollers were replaced by 2 vacuum cleaners and the bicycles had been replaced with a birdbath. Several weeks, appliances, and large pieces of furniture later, the front yard was fairly uncluttered. Usually there would just be a lamp or nightstand or scooter in the lawn from that time on. Until September.

 

Labor Day weekend marks the end of summer. People like to have cookouts, drink beer, and sometimes decorate for Halloween. These people spent the 3-day weekend decking their front yard out in Halloween decorations. There were ghosts, zombies crawling out of graves, Dr. Frankenstein's cavalcade of monsters, headless horsemen (the horse was also headless... total chaos [joke courtesy of M. Hedberg]), jack-o-lanterns, skeletons, bales of hay, corpses, headstones, and a witch. And there was straw covering up all the grass to give a realistic "straw-covered lawn" effect to the display. At night I realized that it also had strobe lights and sound effects. Luckily, it was only 60 days until Halloween.

 

So, Halloween came and went, but the decorations did not. Finally it was Thanksgiving weekend, and the neighbors put up their Santa Claus and reindeer display, their snowman, and the nativity scene. It was a much smaller and less flamboyant holiday display than the Halloween display. The problem was it was really hard to notice the Christmas items amongst all the Halloween items. It looked like Santa Claus was navigating his sleigh through Hell. "On Dasher, On Dancer, don't hit the zombie!" The nativity scene showed the baby Jesus surrounded by Mary and Joseph, a vampire, three wise men, two donkeys, a zombie, a camel, and the angel Gabriel announcing the birth of Jesus while suspended from a noose.

 

A few weeks later Halloween began to subside. By New Years Eve it was just Santa urging his team of reindeer across the straw toward the ghost, and a much smaller Nativity group (one of the Wise Men disappeared with the Halloween stuff. I think he was killed).

 

A few weeks after that police showed up at my house. The detective asked if the whereabouts of the neighbor (the man that lived there) were known, and offered his card when they weren't. I walked over later that night and noticed all the furniture and curtains that could previously seen through the windows were gone. They scrammed before the police caught on to whatever they did. All that was left was a bale of hay, 4 reindeer, a ghost, and a zombie's arm. Those things disappeared after another 3 weeks. Except for the hay. That is still in the front yard to this very day.

 One day, I would like to visit some country that wants their own particle accelerator like the one at CERN in Switzerland. I would offer to build one for much less money. 2 years and 100 million dollars later, I would announce completion of the machine. It would mostly just be fiber optic cables and some LEDs and maybe a laser. I'd proudly show it off to the leader of that country and his Minister of Science and announce "With this machine, you can now accelerate photons up to near the speed of light." Maybe they will applaud. If they mention wanting to do the same thing with protons, I'll tell them they have to purchase the upgrade package for that.

 

It's now November, which means it's time to prepare your vehicle for winter. Apart from the things you should do every month, like rebuild the engine and replace all windows and doors, there are these additional steps you should perform each winter to keep your car running at its best:

- Alternator fluid flush and fill

- clean and replace windshield wiper belts

- rotate blinker bearings

- resurface muffler gaskets

- lubricate brake pads and rotors

Happy motoring!