Rice pancakes

I remember as a child thinking that Uncle Ben must be married to Aunt Jemima. Meals in their household largely consisted of rice and pancakes, I imagined. I never did figure out their last name, but I would guess it may have been Kellogg or Post.

I also figured that this happily married couple was friends with Mrs. Butterworth. In fact, she and Aunt Jemima got along like pancakes and syrup. You know who they didn't get along with? Yup. The Quaker oats guy. He would always complain that they were playing their music too loud.

Loud music wasn't the only thing that bothered old man Quaker. He also had to put up with the loud-mouthed neighborhood toucan, Dig'em. Constantly running around yelling stuff like "I'm coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs!" and "They're greeeeeeat!", Dig'em caused Mr. Quaker to go insane. He would wander the streets of General Mills mumbling disjointed statements about the impossibility of extracting cream from wheat and rummaging through garbage cans looking for food and box tops. Sometimes Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima would see him when they went downtown, and he would beg for money. They just gave him Betty Crocker points instead. "How the hell can I get a drink with Betty Fuckin' Crocker points?!" he would scream, but they just kept on moving.

This is why I don't eat breakfast. It would bring back all these painful memories.